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breaking: keeping your feelings in means no one knows ur feeling them :O
its so funny coming face to face with what is probably a predicted outcome of a decision you've made that you completely overlooked when you decided to make that decision
like, ok
two of my irl besties lost a parent in their early 20s, parents who they grew up with, had relationships with, whose loss was apparent and huge and impacted their daily life.
i felt like, i dont know, an imposter for grieving the loss of a parent that i never really had. a parent i hardly met, like, fuck, i feel like an imposter calling him a parent i couldn't even tell you what colour his eyes were, maybe blue? mine are blue. people are always ready to hand me pieces of the person that jimmy was to them, but i still don't know him, i don't know how any of it fits together. it's confusing to think about and harder to verbalize and it FELT like i couldn't shut up about it because i was always thinking about it, i kept feeling like i should bite my tongue and i think i ended up doing that more than i meant to.
no, i know i did it more than i meant to.
i was talking with one of the friends who lost a parent young, and i made some off hand comment about my bio dad having died last year and i'm going to be real with you here "right, i'd forgotten" was not the response i'd been anticipating to hear
but of course when you spend so much energy trying to shield someone from something like ~taking up too much space with your dead dad grief~ then yeah, no shit, why WOULD they remember that it happened.
like, ok
two of my irl besties lost a parent in their early 20s, parents who they grew up with, had relationships with, whose loss was apparent and huge and impacted their daily life.
i felt like, i dont know, an imposter for grieving the loss of a parent that i never really had. a parent i hardly met, like, fuck, i feel like an imposter calling him a parent i couldn't even tell you what colour his eyes were, maybe blue? mine are blue. people are always ready to hand me pieces of the person that jimmy was to them, but i still don't know him, i don't know how any of it fits together. it's confusing to think about and harder to verbalize and it FELT like i couldn't shut up about it because i was always thinking about it, i kept feeling like i should bite my tongue and i think i ended up doing that more than i meant to.
no, i know i did it more than i meant to.
i was talking with one of the friends who lost a parent young, and i made some off hand comment about my bio dad having died last year and i'm going to be real with you here "right, i'd forgotten" was not the response i'd been anticipating to hear
but of course when you spend so much energy trying to shield someone from something like ~taking up too much space with your dead dad grief~ then yeah, no shit, why WOULD they remember that it happened.