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thrill and apathy coexist in me fairly equally
you ever wish you WEREN'T well adjusted??
idk like i don't actually personally know anyone else who is adopted, so i guess i have a hard time comparing myself to other peoples experience but people have been pretty open with me about the fact that they expect me to be angry or sad or i don't know? NOT understanding about having been adopted?
but, having a kid is hard, raising a whole person to me, is a choice you keep making for the rest of your life and i don't think that is an experience that everyone is able, or willing to go through, like, I'M not, so maybe that is why it's easy for me to accept that someone choosing to relinquish me at birth was really not at all about me personally, you know? so i don't take it personally. even learning that there's only 10.5 months between alyssa and i didn't change that, like genuinely, people change, their circumstances change, and i'm not going to get anything from being mad that my siblings don't also live the life i have. i think i'm probably lucky that holding that feeling of understanding in that same palm as the ridiculous abandonment issues i have due to adoption is something that is relatively easy for me to do, two things can be true!!
but sometimes i think it would be easier, or quicker? to deal with and like access how i feel about jimmy dying if i WAS angry at him and andrea for giving me up. instead i am just angry at myself lol and i think i'm also angry about being angry at myself because i'm pissed that i didn't take the time to reach out and stay engaged and HAVE a relationship....... but he didn't either, you know? and i guess, that swerves me back around to is it selfish of me to want to be a part of these peoples lives and am i overstepping by being sad about having lost just the possibility of a relationship with my biodad when the rest of the family have lost something more real and tangible.
(the unhurt parts of me say 'duh kris of course you aren't overstepping by having feelings' and 'aren't you always telling people that being selfish isn't a bad thing?' but as im sure you know that doesn't stop the feelings from feeling feelful)
anyway all this to say, ive spent the last month and a half drafting and deleting messages to alyssa. i really want to ask her if she would be up for like, talking with me about some of her favourite memories that she has of jimmy so that i will have something to think about other than just like, how i don't fit neatly into the puzzle that is my own life. but also, i don't want to be insensitive because she just lost her dad who she WAS very close with and, well. it's hard. i'm afraid of saying the wrong thing.
dear future kris i'm too in it rn to look further, but i think there is something here about jupiter cycles and specifically it being in its own signs (sag (4h) when i met biofam the first time, and pisces (7h) recently)
idk like i don't actually personally know anyone else who is adopted, so i guess i have a hard time comparing myself to other peoples experience but people have been pretty open with me about the fact that they expect me to be angry or sad or i don't know? NOT understanding about having been adopted?
but, having a kid is hard, raising a whole person to me, is a choice you keep making for the rest of your life and i don't think that is an experience that everyone is able, or willing to go through, like, I'M not, so maybe that is why it's easy for me to accept that someone choosing to relinquish me at birth was really not at all about me personally, you know? so i don't take it personally. even learning that there's only 10.5 months between alyssa and i didn't change that, like genuinely, people change, their circumstances change, and i'm not going to get anything from being mad that my siblings don't also live the life i have. i think i'm probably lucky that holding that feeling of understanding in that same palm as the ridiculous abandonment issues i have due to adoption is something that is relatively easy for me to do, two things can be true!!
but sometimes i think it would be easier, or quicker? to deal with and like access how i feel about jimmy dying if i WAS angry at him and andrea for giving me up. instead i am just angry at myself lol and i think i'm also angry about being angry at myself because i'm pissed that i didn't take the time to reach out and stay engaged and HAVE a relationship....... but he didn't either, you know? and i guess, that swerves me back around to is it selfish of me to want to be a part of these peoples lives and am i overstepping by being sad about having lost just the possibility of a relationship with my biodad when the rest of the family have lost something more real and tangible.
(the unhurt parts of me say 'duh kris of course you aren't overstepping by having feelings' and 'aren't you always telling people that being selfish isn't a bad thing?' but as im sure you know that doesn't stop the feelings from feeling feelful)
anyway all this to say, ive spent the last month and a half drafting and deleting messages to alyssa. i really want to ask her if she would be up for like, talking with me about some of her favourite memories that she has of jimmy so that i will have something to think about other than just like, how i don't fit neatly into the puzzle that is my own life. but also, i don't want to be insensitive because she just lost her dad who she WAS very close with and, well. it's hard. i'm afraid of saying the wrong thing.
dear future kris i'm too in it rn to look further, but i think there is something here about jupiter cycles and specifically it being in its own signs (sag (4h) when i met biofam the first time, and pisces (7h) recently)
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i don't know what the right thing to do re: alyssa would be but fwiw i think it's an ok thing to ask, and whatever you decide i love you and support that decision one million percent.
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haha im pretty firmly in the asking alyssa about him is The Right thing to do camp. or, its the right thing for me at least. when i voiced it to carly she said she was about to suggest i do exactly that and like obvs ppl react differently to things but she lost her mom the year before we moved out together so i at least feel like its not too big of an ask for someone who lost a parent in general and i wont know if its too much for alyssa specifically unless i ask her.
lol im also kind if trying to hold on to the fact that if we HAD grown up together i inevitably would have hurt her feelings all the time from my position as Eldest Sibling so doing it this once is probably mild in the grand scheme of things?