Apr. 23rd, 2023 09:57 am
katarzis: (Default)
aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

yall i am having a bad time! im sad! i can't stop crying!! i know that some people find crying to be very idk satisfying/cathartic? i do not!!!!! i hate crying!!!!!!! it makes me feel like crap! like ok now i'm sad and my face is wet and i feel like an old balloon that shrivels up when you touch it???? miserable.

3 hours later it turns out i DO have the solution to this problem, to quote myself...



being in community is important, actually! watch a tv show with your bestie and u WILL feel better!! i know this and yet i try to talk myself out of it constantly?? like i bailed on dnd on monday and then felt like a heaping pile of turds floating in a void with nothing else inside of it all week. this happens genuinely every time i miss dnd so like, learn a lesson ever in your life kris i am begging, be with the people in your lifeeeeeeee
katarzis: (Default)
ok i know i just told yall that i know the solution to my problem is to spend time with people, so maybe its silly to say it again, but, im going to :)

i spent all week waffling back and forth thinking i should text frankie and tell her to not let me out of hanging out with her this weekend, you know, try and get ahead of my impulse to cancel last minute bc i feel shit in the moment. but, i didn't. i kept thinking, you know, what if SHE needs to bail, what if i'm imposing by asking her to hold me to my word? why can't i just hold myself accountable?

anyway, that asshole part of my brain won out and i didnt say anything with intentions to just suck it up and do the things i said i was going to do (i DO want to be clear that twas i who actually was like 'hey should we get together and bake cookies?' so idk i think i felt even more responsible for doing the thing that i suggested?)

ANYWAY she texted me yesterday morning while i was still miserably cocooned in bed like 'hey i know we said we were going to get together today, but im in mental shambles could we maybe do a virtual hang?' which was really good in a myriad of ways, like not just that i didn't have to mold myself into a human shape fit for company, but also i stIll GOT TO SEE HER, like wow you dont have to go scorched earth when something feels too hard? you can adapt? and still get the benefit of doing the thing you know makes you feel good without having to spend energy that you want to direct to interacting with your friends, on getting ready to interact with your friends?? imagine!!! like, it was easier to wake up this morning bc i was still feeling positive from having spent 4 hours chatting and venting and goofing off and watching frankie serenade me with all of her fav songs from s club 7's sophomore album 7

but uh, jw, how many times must i prove this to myself to believe and trust in the things i already know??
katarzis: (Default)
i am having such an annoyingly hard time existing this winter (every winter(its not even winter yet))

like all simple low effort things i usually do to feel more energized so that i can do the more significant things that i want to do are so, inaccessible to me right now and i feel so defeated by it that it feels extra hard to try to find different things i can do to get myself where i want to be?


i went through a p severe depressive episode right after i got fired i think partly self worth stuff but mostly, having to actually confront the fact that i was feeling so stuck in life and i no longer had the 24/7 distraction of "oh god, the store" to stop me from looking at it and getting into that loop of oh my god all of the things i want to do, have wanted to do, for years but had no time for are at my fingertips but oh god how could i possibly choose which to reach for and feeling like shit knowing that my "indecision" (my decision to do nothing) was entirely my own fault and so i'd try to think of stuff to do and just start looping again.

i was pulling the 4 of cups a lot, the rider waite depiction of that card is a dude sitting at the base of a tree with his arms crossed staring at three cups on the ground in front of him, oblivious to the arm stretched out of a cloud offering a fourth cup, which, yeah.

anyway i was thinking about feeling that way and feeling stuck and being haunted by the four of cups as i was staring at my tarot deck, and the thing about my relationship with tarot is like, the more i know about the cards the less i use them because i end up knowing the kinds of cards i'm going to pull based on where i'm at, so i was shuffling trying to think about different ways to feel less stuck in a pile of shit, about what my impulses are and what that's saying about the situation and can i use that? (bc my problem is that im a fucking air sign w/ virgo on the asc who can't stop fucking thinking about the data we have collected(kris stay your body challenge!!)) ANYWAY i pulled the two of cups which is actually a really nice card, about relationship, which yeah duh

i have been at war with myself re hanging out with people vs bailing and hiding especially with the aforementioned having a hard time trying to refill my tank and also especially because i KNOW that spending time with people actually DOES help with that like istg i think about skipping dnd every single monday especially since we dont start til 9pm my time but every week i have fun and its so nice getting to shoot the shit with the group and make our characters do dumb stuff like discuss the hotness of EVERY SINGLE npc we interact with. this i think, is one of the biggest surprises that came with living alone, that being able to walk into a room and experience the presence of another human even if you aren't necessarily doing something together, does a lot to remind you that YOU are a person, you know?

i tend to use the card at the bottom of my deck to provide a little context to the card i've actually pulled, even though this one seemed pretty obvious to me. yes its not necessarily easy to do but it is worth it to connect with people, it WILL make you feel a part of something that isn't just pointlessly slogging through the same day again and again, it WILL remind you to be alive and isn't THAT what you're looking for?

anyway, the bottom of my deck was the 4 of cups.

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