hands touch

its so funny coming face to face with what is probably a predicted outcome of a decision you've made that you completely overlooked when you decided to make that decision

like, ok

two of my irl besties lost a parent in their early 20s, parents who they grew up with, had relationships with, whose loss was apparent and huge and impacted their daily life.

i felt like, i dont know, an imposter for grieving the loss of a parent that i never really had. a parent i hardly met, like, fuck, i feel like an imposter calling him a parent i couldn't even tell you what colour his eyes were, maybe blue? mine are blue. people are always ready to hand me pieces of the person that jimmy was to them, but i still don't know him, i don't know how any of it fits together. it's confusing to think about and harder to verbalize and it FELT like i couldn't shut up about it because i was always thinking about it, i kept feeling like i should bite my tongue and i think i ended up doing that more than i meant to.

no, i know i did it more than i meant to.

i was talking with one of the friends who lost a parent young, and i made some off hand comment about my bio dad having died last year and i'm going to be real with you here "right, i'd forgotten" was not the response i'd been anticipating to hear

but of course when you spend so much energy trying to shield someone from something like ~taking up too much space with your dead dad grief~ then yeah, no shit, why WOULD they remember that it happened.

remember when i used to journal here???

my mom does this thing where she thinks she knows who i am and what i'm like and knows so well that in fact she knows better than i do about events in my life. these things vary from ~knowing~ that i received more compliments on my hair when i was a kid than i do now (this one would be funny if the habit wasn't so deeply annoying) to how long i went to university.

she was so confident that i only went one semester jan-april, that she almost blew a gasket in our therapists office because i refused to relent. and i refused to relent because i was at that stupid school for a year and a half (3 semesters) and i remember every second of the exhausting experience.

i cant even remember what he asked initially (bc i was still trying to think of solid proof i could use to make my mom believe that my memory of my experience is more correct than hers) something about school and career shit choosing what you'd like to do or whatever, basically kill me, but then our therapist asked if i trust myself, which, i do but also i don't at all.

i just think it's hard to trust your judgment of, like, anything when your mom has been telling you your entire life that you're wrong and getting angry when you won't admit to being wrong even when it turns out that you are provably right!!

i took latin, which is a year long course which you can ONLY take starting in september (she apologised and i don't feel better)

she's been having stress nightmares about my job placement not getting renewed bc she's worried about that, despite the fact that i, the person actually in the situation is chill and not worried about it. and i think that is again her not trusting that i can?? handle being unemployed? find another job? or something? just, not trusting me


i'm soooooo tired man wtf

you ever wish you WEREN'T well adjusted??

idk like i don't actually personally know anyone else who is adopted, so i guess i have a hard time comparing myself to other peoples experience but people have been pretty open with me about the fact that they expect me to be angry or sad or i don't know? NOT understanding about having been adopted?

but, having a kid is hard, raising a whole person to me, is a choice you keep making for the rest of your life and i don't think that is an experience that everyone is able, or willing to go through, like, I'M not, so maybe that is why it's easy for me to accept that someone choosing to relinquish me at birth was really not at all about me personally, you know? so i don't take it personally. even learning that there's only 10.5 months between alyssa and i didn't change that, like genuinely, people change, their circumstances change, and i'm not going to get anything from being mad that my siblings don't also live the life i have. i think i'm probably lucky that holding that feeling of understanding in that same palm as the ridiculous abandonment issues i have due to adoption is something that is relatively easy for me to do, two things can be true!!

but sometimes i think it would be easier, or quicker? to deal with and like access how i feel about jimmy dying if i WAS angry at him and andrea for giving me up. instead i am just angry at myself lol and i think i'm also angry about being angry at myself because i'm pissed that i didn't take the time to reach out and stay engaged and HAVE a relationship....... but he didn't either, you know? and i guess, that swerves me back around to is it selfish of me to want to be a part of these peoples lives and am i overstepping by being sad about having lost just the possibility of a relationship with my biodad when the rest of the family have lost something more real and tangible.

(the unhurt parts of me say 'duh kris of course you aren't overstepping by having feelings' and 'aren't you always telling people that being selfish isn't a bad thing?' but as im sure you know that doesn't stop the feelings from feeling feelful)

anyway all this to say, ive spent the last month and a half drafting and deleting messages to alyssa. i really want to ask her if she would be up for like, talking with me about some of her favourite memories that she has of jimmy so that i will have something to think about other than just like, how i don't fit neatly into the puzzle that is my own life. but also, i don't want to be insensitive because she just lost her dad who she WAS very close with and, well. it's hard. i'm afraid of saying the wrong thing.



dear future kris i'm too in it rn to look further, but i think there is something here about jupiter cycles and specifically it being in its own signs (sag (4h) when i met biofam the first time, and pisces (7h) recently)

ok i think i just need to like, fire off a couple shitposts really quick to get back into the habit of being on this webbed site