hands touch

i am having such an annoyingly hard time existing this winter (every winter(its not even winter yet))

like all simple low effort things i usually do to feel more energized so that i can do the more significant things that i want to do are so, inaccessible to me right now and i feel so defeated by it that it feels extra hard to try to find different things i can do to get myself where i want to be?


i went through a p severe depressive episode right after i got fired i think partly self worth stuff but mostly, having to actually confront the fact that i was feeling so stuck in life and i no longer had the 24/7 distraction of "oh god, the store" to stop me from looking at it and getting into that loop of oh my god all of the things i want to do, have wanted to do, for years but had no time for are at my fingertips but oh god how could i possibly choose which to reach for and feeling like shit knowing that my "indecision" (my decision to do nothing) was entirely my own fault and so i'd try to think of stuff to do and just start looping again.

i was pulling the 4 of cups a lot, the rider waite depiction of that card is a dude sitting at the base of a tree with his arms crossed staring at three cups on the ground in front of him, oblivious to the arm stretched out of a cloud offering a fourth cup, which, yeah.

anyway i was thinking about feeling that way and feeling stuck and being haunted by the four of cups as i was staring at my tarot deck, and the thing about my relationship with tarot is like, the more i know about the cards the less i use them because i end up knowing the kinds of cards i'm going to pull based on where i'm at, so i was shuffling trying to think about different ways to feel less stuck in a pile of shit, about what my impulses are and what that's saying about the situation and can i use that? (bc my problem is that im a fucking air sign w/ virgo on the asc who can't stop fucking thinking about the data we have collected(kris stay your body challenge!!)) ANYWAY i pulled the two of cups which is actually a really nice card, about relationship, which yeah duh

i have been at war with myself re hanging out with people vs bailing and hiding especially with the aforementioned having a hard time trying to refill my tank and also especially because i KNOW that spending time with people actually DOES help with that like istg i think about skipping dnd every single monday especially since we dont start til 9pm my time but every week i have fun and its so nice getting to shoot the shit with the group and make our characters do dumb stuff like discuss the hotness of EVERY SINGLE npc we interact with. this i think, is one of the biggest surprises that came with living alone, that being able to walk into a room and experience the presence of another human even if you aren't necessarily doing something together, does a lot to remind you that YOU are a person, you know?

i tend to use the card at the bottom of my deck to provide a little context to the card i've actually pulled, even though this one seemed pretty obvious to me. yes its not necessarily easy to do but it is worth it to connect with people, it WILL make you feel a part of something that isn't just pointlessly slogging through the same day again and again, it WILL remind you to be alive and isn't THAT what you're looking for?

anyway, the bottom of my deck was the 4 of cups.