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groundbreaking ik
Dec. 8th, 2022 02:52 pmso a thing about your first experience in life being the person who carried you in their body abandoning you (like, i learned after i met my bio mom at 17 that she didn't even get to hold me after i was born) is that you don't actually remember that experience at all bc your brain literally cannot form memory yet but it undoubtedly impacts, your entire life
its kind of funny bc i dont think i was really like, aware of having abandonment issues until nicole and i fought and sheeeeee, didn't come home for a week and a half? honestly i didn't see it then but i do think looking back that that was when i stopped seeing her as a friend and started looking at her just as the person i lived with, because i think the most useful thing that initial abandonment is that i do find it pretty easy to believe that the people in my life, who keep me in their lives, WANT me to be there, because in my experience? when they don't want you in their life, people leave. and idk, if you don't want me in your life why would i keep trying to stay in it? that's just going to make us both miserable and frankly i don't really need help in that department lol
the thing about venus is the magnification of commonalities, conforming to expectation to get your material or social needs met. it's weird to feel on the outside of "family" i think it's part of why queerness has always felt so comfortable for me, like the reframing of getting to choose your family regardless of blood instead of having to do it because, what fucking blood? it's as exciting as it is terrifying, people choosing to love you. the high of being chosen instead of obligated to, pitted against the knowledge that a choice means you can choose to stop. it's a good gamble to me now as an adult, but as a kid i think it was just scary like being blood related to your family was a safety net that i did not have. don't be Too Different because what if they change their mind about the choice they made when it turns out you aren't actually the thing they thought they chose?
frustrating bc i think it kind of teaches you to hold the people you love at a bit of a distance so that the differences are harder for them to see. and i am still trying to learn how not to do that.
(thinking a lot about mars today bc of it's involvement in the full moon last night and so ofc bc it's in taurus rn what i ended up talking about was venus (this is also my natal mars placement so they are eternally linked 2 me)(also I M H O mars in venusian signs IS about adoption)
its kind of funny bc i dont think i was really like, aware of having abandonment issues until nicole and i fought and sheeeeee, didn't come home for a week and a half? honestly i didn't see it then but i do think looking back that that was when i stopped seeing her as a friend and started looking at her just as the person i lived with, because i think the most useful thing that initial abandonment is that i do find it pretty easy to believe that the people in my life, who keep me in their lives, WANT me to be there, because in my experience? when they don't want you in their life, people leave. and idk, if you don't want me in your life why would i keep trying to stay in it? that's just going to make us both miserable and frankly i don't really need help in that department lol
the thing about venus is the magnification of commonalities, conforming to expectation to get your material or social needs met. it's weird to feel on the outside of "family" i think it's part of why queerness has always felt so comfortable for me, like the reframing of getting to choose your family regardless of blood instead of having to do it because, what fucking blood? it's as exciting as it is terrifying, people choosing to love you. the high of being chosen instead of obligated to, pitted against the knowledge that a choice means you can choose to stop. it's a good gamble to me now as an adult, but as a kid i think it was just scary like being blood related to your family was a safety net that i did not have. don't be Too Different because what if they change their mind about the choice they made when it turns out you aren't actually the thing they thought they chose?
frustrating bc i think it kind of teaches you to hold the people you love at a bit of a distance so that the differences are harder for them to see. and i am still trying to learn how not to do that.
(thinking a lot about mars today bc of it's involvement in the full moon last night and so ofc bc it's in taurus rn what i ended up talking about was venus (this is also my natal mars placement so they are eternally linked 2 me)(also I M H O mars in venusian signs IS about adoption)
