no, i dont need no help i can sabotage me by myself

you know when you just like, don't do the things you want to do?

like you spend every day thinking about doing it, not doing it, and being angry that you're not doing it. anyone know how sick of your own bullshit you have to be to stop the bullshit?

i still havent talked to alyssa. i am still writing her messages in the notes app on my phone. do you know how hard it is to talk to someone about a parent you share when only one of you actually knew that parent?

i want this incredibly nuanced situation to be simple. it isnt. "our dad" feels sour to even think, but how else do you capture that shared connection? everything else i try feels like im making more distance between us which is just as wrong and then my brain shuts off because what else is left then, but nothing